


I think I'm lost

by lloydshoulddyehishair



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: (tags to be added im lazy), Abandonment Issues, Angst, Drug Use, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Gen, I love him, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, J A Y, L L A N G S T, Nya's the best big sis ever, Ronin just tries to help Lloyd, Self-Harm, Trauma, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, but im gon make him s u f f e r, d a d d y i s s u e s, so is Cole, yes he's a big sis I don't make the rules
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-28
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:09:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lloydshoulddyehishair/pseuds/lloydshoulddyehishair
Summary: Lloyd hadn't felt at peace for a long while. Ever since the Sons of Garmadon had made themselves known to be exact.
Relationships: [none]
Comments: 1
Kudos: 32





	I think I'm lost

**Author's Note:**

> Enjoy the Green Bean's suffering:)

Lloyd hadn't felt at peace for a long while. Ever since the Sons of Garmadon had made themselves known to be exact.

Back then none of them would have expected things to escalate the way that they would later on. They all had just thought that they were just a silly little biker gang that they'd be able to stop in a matter of weeks.

They didn't expect that in the end half of the team would be stranded in another realm being hunted down by dragon hunters and the other half would still be in Ninjago being hunted down by the purely evil resurrected Lord Garmadon and the Sons of Garmadon, all while mourning the “deaths” of their friends and trying to save the almost completely destroyed city.

Ninjago never recovered completely from the destruction Garmadon had brought upon them. Of course most places were rebuilt but there were still huge holes in the streets from where the Colossi stamped it's feet into the concrete – those were things Lloyd could overlook though. What he couldn't overlook were the overfilled hospitals and orphanages. So many people had lost their lives, so many people he couldn't save.

And in a sick way it was almost funny. It was very ironic – Harumi created the exact thing she despised. She wanted to give Ninjago a proper ruler but in reality she just gave it more people who shared her pain.

But maybe that was her plan all along; making _everyone_ feel the way she felt.

Now Lloyd was sitting at the window of his room on the newly rebuilt Destiny's Bounty – thanks to the Mayor and the city – staring at the grey clouds they passed through while listening to the thunderstorms. He had always loved thunderstorms, they seemed so full of rage but yet so calm.

_**'Much like yourself.'** _

Lloyd shook his head a little, letting the pen he had been holding in his hand fall to the ground while looking through the drawers of his desk. Finding his lighter, papes and the tiny green substance that had been making his days all the more easier.

For his whole life – which he wasn't quite sure how long it was because he didn't even remember his birthday anymore, was it in September or in October? He really didn't know – he never had healthy coping mechanisms. As a little kid, before the others had picked him off the street, he would just start to eat sweets when the sadness and pain he felt became unbearable, when he thought of his parents or Darkley's for example.  
Then when he lived with his uncle and his students he made it a habit to just refuse to eat. He felt unworthy of the food they offered. He had made them go through so many hardships and made their lives living hell. He really hadn't understood why they would take him in. But besides the others needed it more they were Ninja after all and needed to get as much energy as possible.

It was back then when the team slowly picked up on his unhealthy habits.

As he grew up because of the tomorrow's tea incident, whenever he would feel down or depressed he'd train as hard and long as he could, telling himself that it would make him stronger and his family proud. He barely noticed that he was actually just draining and destroying his body.

All the time his friends – his family said nothing. Always thinking his behaviour was just a phase and he'd grow out of it. Maybe they _should_ have.

Now after everything that had happened, him losing his uncle, his team splitting up over the whole realm with him taking on all criminals in Ninjago alone, the Sons of Garmadon popping up, Harumi turning out to be the Quiet One and basically pulverizing his heart, his father being resurrected as a purely evil shell of Lord Garmadon, being humiliated on television across the whole country, his friends dying (or at least so he, Nya and the rest of the city thought), being literally hunted by the Sons of Garmadon and his father plus his technically-psychopath-ex-girlfriend and the list could go on and on – he lost it.

He could barely go a day without panic attacks just a few months ago, having mental breakdowns on the weekly making the energy in the city go out in a nasty blackout every time.  
His friends had noticed of course, it would have been hard _not_ to. And they had tried to talk and reach out to him he the first three times it had happened. Lloyd didn't want to talk though, shutting them out completely and his family just – gave it up. Thinking he wanted to be alone and sort things out on his own.  
The young Garmadon thought so too. He thought he just wanted to be alone as well. But as he sat all by himself in the guest room he had been sleeping in – because he had refused to stay with his brothers – he had realized that loneliness was actually what pulled him down emotionally and what made him feel even worse on top of everything.

That didn't stop him from keeping on shutting his friends out anyways – old habits died hard.

And Ronin – who had obviously noticed the blackouts too – being Ronin and meaning well but... _being Ronin_ , had offered him something to calm his nerves with, one day he had been over at the Destiny's Bounty, just in case he wanted to. Of course Lloyd didn't decline, he was desperate for anything that could make his pain go away, that could make him stop feeling, so he accepted the offer and shortly after found himself high with Ronin on his bed while spilling his heart out to him.

The thief loved the kid, really did, he had already protected him with his life and he'd do it again any other day. The other members of the Ninja team always knew that and respected him for it.

Yet he knew getting the kid weed to help him forget his sorrows wouldn't be left without consequences for him by them. Not that he cared though.

But if he had known what kind of behaviour Lloyd would spiral into shortly after he surely would have never made that offer in the first place.

And so here the blond was, standing in front of his (now) opened window smoking his second joint that day – just anything to numb his feelings with.

It was kinda funny to him how much of a hypocrite he was. He remembered how he had screamed at Kai to stop smoking cigarettes and how he shouldn't ruin himself like that and would you look at him now. Doing exactly the same, maybe even worse. Kai at least hadn't been high as a kite on the daily and Kai at least hadn't isolated himself like Lloyd did now.

“So much for the _great_ Green Ninja.”, Lloyd hissed mockingly into the nothingness throwing the end of the joint out of the window.

Maybe he should go into the living room and talk to the others, spend some time with them. The last time he saw them was about 2 weeks ago? He had been avoiding them, mainly because he felt like the odd one out whenever they were together.

He couldn't bring himself to enjoy playing video games with Cole or laugh at Jay's silly jokes, he also wasn't quite interested in having talks about Ninjago's history and culture with Zane and he usually loved those conversations. _Hell_ , he didn't even like to cuddle with Kai and Nya while mocking the other in a childish but affectionate manner anymore.

He didn't feel like himself anymore but instead just like an empty shell.

And Lloyd couldn't help but wonder

Was this how his father felt all the time?

* * *

The blond made his way to the living room trying to ignore the way his limbs shook like he was about to collapse.

He had been feeling weak lately, probably due to malnutrition. Lloyd had been barely eating the past few days because- well it was a little difficult.

The easy answer would be that he just simply didn't have the strength or motivation to get out of his bed. Plus he had gotten used to the stinging pain in his stomach hunger caused and barely noticed it now. If anything he felt weird when it _wasn't_ there.

The longer answer was way different than the easy one.

When his uncle had disappeared and his friends searched for him all over Ninjago he had been left feeling out of control because there was nothing he could do to change all of it. There was nothing he could have been able to do to bring his Sensei and his friends back.

He hadn't been in control of even his body at this point anymore. He had grown taller all of a sudden, his voice got deeper and he noticed how he had been putting on weight.  
Everything had been changing and Lloyd didn't like changes.

Back then the only thing Lloyd had power over was – even though it seemed cliché – food.

He could choose whether or not he'd eat, he could choose how to prepare the food and how to put it all together. It was satisfying – cooking food, getting it ready and then being in full control of his own body and mind and refusing to eat despite his stomach basically screaming at him.

It was control that made him feel alive and that reminded him of the fact that Morro was no longer possessing and using him as a pawn against his family and Ninjago.  
His need of being in control was probably also what had made him hit rock bottom during his father's reign over Ninjago – well that _and_ being disowned and thrown through multiple concrete prison walls probably did the trick.

He had felt so horrible after Harumi's betrayal, his fathers resurrection, his friends' deaths and all of the other horrible incidents – but back then Lloyd hadn't even been able to control his food intake properly anymore because now Nya was there with him and she would make sure he'd eat.

She hadn't seemed suspicious on his eating habits, after all he was a normal weight even if he was on the slightly thinner part of the spectrum. The only reason she had made him eat was to make sure he'd stay strong in case he'd have to face trouble – like the Sons of Garmadon, Harumi or even worse his father – any time soon. If he'd just faint on the battle field that wouldn't have been too great.  
It had been a hard time for him and her and he was just glad all of that was over now, even if it hadn't been easy.

Now, something that wasn't easy either was keeping on walking towards the living room as he heard sounds coming from it. Talking. Laughter. And Cole's voice screaming at Jay for whatever the reason was. He didn't want to ruin their good mood. Maybe he should just go back to his room and come back later? _No._ If he didn't do it now he would put it off for another two weeks.  
He leaned against the wall with his arm, feeling like he was going to lose balance caused by the sudden wave of dizziness that hit him.

“Lloyd?”, he heard someone behind him call out. Turning his head slowly towards the direction the voice came from he saw an old man down the hall where he had just come from. He was wearing a rice hat and had a long white beard. His eyes looked at him with nothing but concern but Lloyd could have sworn there was something in them that looked _haunted_.

“Are you alright?”, he stepped towards the younger, the sound of his staff making contact with the wood floor sent chills down the Ninja's spine.

He felt a hand on his shoulder. The simple gesture made him feel warm inside like back then when he was just a kid and his father would do simple things like that while telling him he was proud of him.

But it was gone. _All_ gone now.

He shook the thoughts off. He didn't want to start crying like a baby in front of him, especially since his father was a sensitive subject to Wu as well.

His gaze fell from his shoulder to the man's face, the concern in his features just increasing.

“Yeah, I guess so.”, he muttered. “Wanted to go see the others.”

“You've been locking yourself up in your room for a pretty long time.”

Lloyd snorted. “Haven't noticed.”, he quickly moved away from his uncle's touch and went inside the living room, everything suddenly going quiet.

He felt uncomfortable under the stares directed at him, felt like they were burning through his skin. But he didn't want to feel that way because of _them_. They were his friends, his _family_ and yet here he was feeling so unsafe and helpless in front of them, as if they could see right through him.

“Uhm.”, he started slowly lifting his hand a little and waving awkwardly. “Hey?”

Maybe not his best introduction. He knew he sounded and looked emotionless. And maybe it was because he was, in fact, emotionless.

No. Who was he trying to fool? If anything Lloyd was completely _emotional_. Just waiting for the bathtub of kept in and hidden feelings and memories to overflow – to spill it all out.

Right now was not the moment though.

“Am I interrupting something?”, he asked as the looks on their faces shifted from surprise into something else, a look the Green Ninja had seen way to often in the past few years probably so often that he could sense it from miles away by now. _Pity._

He wanted to throw up.

“Oh, _Lloyd_.”, everything stopped for a second.

There was something about Kai's voice, how he spoke his name, that irritated him. He sounded like back then when he saved him from the volcano when he was just a little bratty child or just like when he comforted him about his fathers death after the tournament or like when he had just been saved from Morro's possession or when- _Oh_.

Okay now he _actually_ wanted to throw up.

“What has happened to you?”, his voice was careful, he didn't want to alarm Lloyd in any way. He wanted to make sure his little brother knew that he was safe with them and that he was loved and protected and there really wasn't a need to look at him like a scared and hurt puppy because that was _exactly_ what he was doing right now and it made him go _crazy_.

They should have interfered sooner, should have called Lloyd out of his room instead of just leaving him, letting him succumb in his own darkness probably, like they had done after a while.

His little brother, his baby brother, whom he had sworn to protect more than anything in this world, needed him now more than ever because Lloyd was currently fighting a war that he wasn't going to win – at least not all alone. Kai had to protect his perfect baby brother from _himself_ before he could do any more damage to his mind and body.

He was pale, so pale he might as well have been dead and he was thin. Oh, so thin Kai feared that if he went to hold him he might snap him in half. His once so shiny emerald eyes were barely anything like they'd been before. They were so _empty_ and _dull_ , holding no joy or hope behind them like how they used to. Like how they still _should_.

“What do you mean?”, the blond spoke out again, his voice small but yet so angry.

And it really took a bit for it to reach them but then Kai noticed the smell – the smell he was so familiar with from going to parties or walking through Ninjago City Park.

Kai's eyes widened and by the looks on his friends' faces they noticed to.

“What the hell, Lloyd?”, he called out, finally jumping up from his sitting position on the sofa, making his way to the blonde and grabbing his – way too thin and bony – wrists. The now slightly taller boy was too slow and weak to react in time though. Kai felt like screaming, eyeing the youngster's bloodshot eyes. “Are you smoking weed?”, his voice came out way louder than he intended to, but he barely had any time to really realize that because the next second his blood was _boiling_ , because Lloyd fucking _snorted_ and started chuckling.

“Is this a freaking joke to you?”, Lloyd really couldn't help but laugh and as he felt Kai's grab on his wrists loosening slightly, he took his chance to break free. He didn't bother to step back though.

“You are funny.”, the Green Ninja muttered and the grin on his face turned bitter. “I've been starving myself, cutting myself, have had panic attacks on the daily and you're-”, Lloyd felt like a maniac for laughing but oh well, maybe that was a trait he got from his father. “You're focusing on me smoking weed?”, he watched Kai's expression fall, as everyone else's in the room. Normally it would make him feel bad and sorry but right now he didn't feel anything but bitterness. “Priorities. Right?”

“Lloyd, we didn't kno-”

“Oh, of course you didn't.”, he interrupted Cole rudely and basically stabbing him with his glance, eyes turning red. “Because you didn't look. You looked _away, away_ from everything. All of you. And maybe you shouldn't have. Even Wu knew that something was going on before you guys and he is basically a shitty excuse of an uncle.”, he breathed out trying to calm himself. “By the way, Wu, you can come out from your hiding spot, it's quite pitiful watching you hide behind that table.”

The old man rose from his kneeling position on the ground, no one really caring how he got there in the first place. His eyes though, didn't rise with him. Looking at his nephew in this state would just break his heart. Would remind him so much of his broth- _Garmadon_.

“And you know why you did that? Because I do.”, no one dared to reply, too scared to make Lloyd even more angry and hurt. Seeing their little brother like this broke their hearts and the worst thing about all of this was that he was _right_. They had looked away and had left him alone when he needed them the most. They had thought that he would be okay on his own, that he'd be able to pick the pieces of his broken mind up all by himself like he had always done. Turns out this time it had just been too much for him alone.

“You all looked away because you don't care. You don't care about _me_ , you care about the Green Ninja. Not Lloyd Garmadon. Because Lloyd Garmadon is still just a silly, bratty child to you who just can't do anything right.”

He hated it. Hated spilling his heart out to his teammates like that, he never wanted to tell them all of this, wanted to keep it a secret he would take to his grave.

_Seems like the bathtub overflowed after all._

With tears starting to stream down his cheeks and blurring his vision he found it difficult to look at them. He didn't want them to see him like this.

“And it sucks.”, he choked out, voice cracking. _**'God dammit you are such a crybaby.'**_

“Every single day of my life sucks because I know there is no way to change it. To change the things I've done. People _died_ because of me and there is no way to bring them back! There is no way I can 'redeem' myself, no matter how much good I do or how much evil I defeat! It doesn't bring them back! It doesn't put destroyed families together again and it doesn't give people the life back, that they deserved, that _I_ have _taken_!”, Lloyd was just screaming at this point, falling to his knees and holding his fists to his chest, crying hysterically. “Ho-how many more children are out there, who-whose parents I-I have taken. Ho-how many pa-parents lost their ch-children be-because of me?! How ma-many more Harumi's a-are out th-there?!”

Her name tasted toxic on his tongue. And he despised himself for bringing her up in the first place because this really didn't have anything to do with her (except it did). She just made him realize of the consequences his actions caused, made him actually realize the weight of it. Technically he had probably killed as many people as his father at this point.

Day by day the blond noticed more and more how similar him and his father actually were. Though he didn't like it. He didn't want to be like him.

“And I can't do it. I can't live with that.”, he felt himself being wrapped in a hug and he didn't even have to look up to know that it was Cole who had rushed to his side, cradling him in his arms while he was still crying hysterically, pretty much unable to breathe at this point.

“Ssh.. Lloyd, listen to me. Focus on my voice. Can you do that?”, his deep voice was soothing, calming in some way, but it wasn't enough. “Breathe with me, okay? Come on, you can do it. 1... 2... 3... Hold. 1... 2... 3... And out. 1... 2... 3... In. 1... 2... 3... Hold. 1... 2... 3... And out. 1... 2... 3... You're doing great buddy.”, the teams leader felt himself relax more and more as the elder kept on reassuring him and holding him tight. Exhaustion soon took over and then compunction.

“I'm sorry.”, he muttered against his chest, grabbing tight onto his black shirt. “I'm so sorry.”, his eyes were shut, still not wanting to look at them and see their faces and the expressions probably full of hatred and hurt after his little pitiful speech.

“There is nothing to be sorry for.”, Lloyd wanted to punch Cole.

Nothing to be sorry for? Lloyd fucked up his own life and now here he was taking it out on his only friends and family while it wasn't their fault. None of his actions were their fault, because _he_ had made them.

Of course there was something to be sorry for.

Cole watched his fellow teammates, still standing helplessly in the room, not knowing what to do and by the look on Jay's face Cole could tell that he really wanted to say something but wasn't too sure if it was either the time or the place to do so.

“Of course there is.”, Lloyd's voice choked out again and it sounded so broken and weak, Cole thought he was holding the little nine year old in his arms after his dad had left, once again. “It isn't your fault. None of this is and I am sorry for taking it out on you. I'm- I just don't know anymore. I-I'm so unsure of everything.”

“Lloyd, it's okay.”, Nya spoke out for the first time. “You were right, we should have done something. We are your siblings for heaven's sake and we left you alone with your pain. That's unacceptable.”, he felt a hand being placed on his knee and dared to open his eyes, staring right into Nya's bloodshot ones. She looked like she'd been crying- Oh. She probably had. “But we are here for you now. We are right by your side and we listen to everything you want to say. We are there for you and we love you for _you_ , not for being the Green Ninja.”, Lloyd nodded slightly, blonde strands of hair falling in front of his eyes.

“Okay.”, he spoke quietly.

“Uh.”, everyone's eyes fell on the Blue Ninja who was playing with his sleeves. “You, uhm... Said some stuff earlier about you... cutting?”, Cole felt Lloyd tense up in his arms and could have sworn he heard the fire ninja curse as well. “Was that... true? I'm just worried you know... because if you are you totally don't have to feel bad about it! I swear! But I think it would be better if you let Zane or Nya check up on you? Just to make sure everything's alright! Well not _alright_ obviously but- You know?”, he began to ramble, not wanting to offend Lloyd. He out of all people _knew_ what it was like to feel so lost that you would hurt yourself just to get judged later on. He didn't want his little brother to feel like that.

“Yeah.”, the young Garmadon spoke, silently pushing himself away from Cole, yet still staying on the floor and not looking up.

“Yeah, to what exactly? Yeah, you're... cutting or yeah, you'll let Zane check you up?”, Jay asked carefully.

The blond looked up at his red-haired friend, his eyes had turned green again by now. “ _Yeah_.”

“Oh my God, Lloyd.”, and he felt himself getting wrapped up in a hug once again just that this time he immediately took a step back.

It wasn't fair to Kai. Not at all. Lloyd was being stupid and selfish and he was being a _brat_. It wasn't Kai's fault that all these awful things have happened to him over the years, if anything it's Kai's fault that nothing more happened. If the Fire Ninja hadn't been there for him all this time he'd be long dead or would be bearing double the amount of traumatic experiences. He had always been there for him and always stood behind him even in the worst of hardest of times.

So it really wasn't fair of him to flinch back and push Kai away like that.

But he couldn't help it. Because he felt so, so guilty.

“I-I'm sorry- I can't- _You_ can't do _that_ -”

Something in Kai's hazel eyes shifted. Lloyd mentally slapped himself because he did it again, he hurt someone who was so dear to him once again just because he was being _selfish_.

“Lloyd, no, what do you mea-”

“You died and- and I-”, and what? How was he supposed to tell him that he was a little ungrateful brat and that Kai deserved better? How was he supposed to tell him that he should just leave him alone at this point because whoever was close to him eventually got hurt. Either by the hands of some villain or by Lloyd himself.

“You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.”

“But I have to or else I won't ever be able to looking at you and without feeling _guilt_!”, Kai just nodded understanding.

“When you died I- I was so sad and devastated and lost and-”, Lloyd sucked in a breath as he looked at Nya for a mere second. “We both were. But- but Nya was so much better at dealing with it than I was. Nya stood strong but- but I gave into grief and I was just so depressed and hopeless.”, Lloyd hated thinking back on it. Hated thinking back on the emotions he had to live through and he was so glad he had his family back, all of them.

But it was true. Nya was much better at dealing with their family's deaths than him because Nya was stronger, because Nya was great, because Nya was so much _better_ than him. She should have led the resistance, maybe she should have even been the team's leader or the Green Ninja. Any of them would have been a way better fit for the role than him but Destiny hated him. Though in all honesty he was also somehow happy that he was the one who turned out to be the Green Ninja in the end because that spared them from lots and lots of pain. Of course that meant that he was the one who had to deal with it but if it was for keeping this burden from his friends he'd do it any day.

Lloyd placed himself on the sofa carefully next to Jay. “And when- when I thought of you-”, his eyes fell on Kai for a second before he buried his face in his hands. “I got so _angry_ like I've never been before and I was thinking about ho-how you could just leave me like- like that and it-”, he felt himself beginning to shake.

This wasn't easy for him, because Lloyd was not just the Master of Energy or “Master Lloyd” but also the Master of 'if-I-don't-admit-to-my-issues-and-feelings-they-aren't-real-and-what's-not-real-can't-hurt-me-or-my-friends' and the fact that he was to admit to hating his own brother at some point was definitely something that could and probably would hurt him and Kai.

“I hated you.”, his words were rushed and for a second Kai thought that Lloyd wasn't being serious but then the emerald eyes looked up at him and it was clear he meant exactly what he had said.

“I hated you _so_ much. I hated you for leaving Nya. I hated you for leaving Ninjago. I hated you for leaving _me_ , when you had promised to always be there and to protect me.”, Lloyd tried his best to ignore the tears streaming down his face and the cracks his voice did as he went on. “I've grown so used to having you- to have a big brother. I didn't know how to live without one- and I still don't.”, he murmured the last part, eyes meeting the floor for what felt like the 600th time today.

Kai said nothing. Stayed completely still and silent, just listening to what his little brother had to say because he knew he just needed to get it all out now, but to Lloyd Kai's silence was one of the most terrifying things ever. Probably up there with the thought of him turning out like his father and being possessed again.

He had to continue anyways.

“And it isn't fair.”, he whispered sounding heartbroken. “And I know that. I'm selfish, I'm dumb, I'm ungrateful and you deserve better. I- I don't understand why you keep on pu-putting up with me.”, the crying had stopped right now and Lloyd was sure that it wasn't because he felt better but rather that there were just no more tears left for him to cry.

But with every word the blonde broke out he felt himself getting calmer, the storm in his head slowly calming down. “It wasn't fair of me to _hate_ you for something I technically caused. It wasn't fair of me to hate you for leaving anyways. You did so much for me over all this time. You all, but especially you, practically raised me. You risked your life so many times and have always supported me. And it's not even like you chose to leave. It wasn't your fault but all _mine_. But I was so selfish and only thinking of myself because-”, _because I couldn't bear to loose anyone else and I couldn't bear having any more names on the list of people that died because of me_. Lloyd ends up not finishing that sentence.

“I don't hate you. I love you with all my heart but when I look at you I can't help but think about how I _did_ hate you and it makes me feel so- so guilty and awful.”, Lloyd let's out a shaky breath he didn't know he was holding because what he was about to say next was without a doubt the hardest thing for him to say out loud.

“If you, all of you I mean, hate me now that's okay, I get it.”, a sob escaped his lips.

“Lloyd-”

“I really won't judge you if you do-”

“Listen to me-”

“And if you want me to leave now, I will-”

“Please just-”

“If I were you I wouldn't want me to stick around-”

“Greenie-”

“As well-”

“I hate myself too-”

“Lloyd, don't you dare finish that sentence! Just listen to me!”, Kai rose his voice making the blonde flinch and look up at him in shock.

Kai hated to see him like that, so hurt, so broken, so small, so _young_ because in the end that's all he was. Their younger brother who had to grow up way too fast, much like Kai himself had to. Of course Kai also knew that his little brother wasn't a child anymore. He knew he was already seventeen but even that was way too young of an age for carrying the burden of being the Green Ninja and everything else that had happened to him.

“I'm not mad at you. It's completely natural to feel anger and sometimes even hatred when grieving. When I-”, Kai bit his lip for a second. Normally he wouldn't talk about it, wouldn't talk about his childhood and his parents absence. But he had them back now, everything turned out okay. “When I thought that my parents had died I was constantly getting into fights with random children to let out my anger. Because I hated them for leaving me and Nya all alone. So believe me I get it and I am not mad at all.”, he let out a sigh and sat down next to him pulling the blonde's head close to his chest. This time Lloyd didn't push him away. “I love you. You're my little baby brother and there is nothing you could ever do or say to change that or to make me hate you, I care too much about you for that. And don't you dare think about leaving us and don't you dare hate yourself. You are beautiful from the inside and outside. You've done so much good and you are so important to every single one of us, we want to help you and go through this with you together. Please just let us- let us help you.”, he felt Lloyd nod against his chest murmuring a silent 'okay'.

“We are going to get through this all together you just have to let us in.”, Nya smiling softly at the Blonde who nodded once more and sat up straight again.

“Thank you, guys.”

“It's what friends are for, Lloydie Boygie.”, the half-human scrunched.

“Jay, please-”

“Never say that again.”, Kai finished for him but couldn't hide his amused smile.

“So.”, Zane spoke up for the first time during the whole conversation. Lloyd wasn't mad at him for it, he knew how hard it was for Zane to comfort others due to his sort of blunt nature - it just wasn't his thing. “Should I look over your self-inflicted wounds now?”, Lloyd made a face and swore he could hear the others breathe in sharply. Yes, definitely blunt.

“Uh.”, he murmured while standing up. “Guess so. Med-Bay?”, Zane just nodded and made his way out of the kitchen being followed by the young Master.

**Author's Note:**

> this was planned to be a oneshot but it turned out too long so,, thats why the ending is so weird,,  
> will rewrite at some point🤞🏼


End file.
